[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
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@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.