God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
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wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
When can I start eating bats again.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I will never stop laughing at this
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude