Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Holy moly
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway