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2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.