One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
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Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
“no gods no masters” = leo
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related