dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
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My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence