*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
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*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No