Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
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Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.