“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
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I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?