Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
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One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Every photo I’m tagged in
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.