wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
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HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)