“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
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The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
They must have gotten it to go.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.