I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
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Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”