I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
screw you
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.