My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
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the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I’m literally crying
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come