Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
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5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
79.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
it’s the silliest best thing
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no