ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
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Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.