[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
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EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
How all things should be taught/explained.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE