At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
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[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
One venti cheeseburger please.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Catercrombie & Fish
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime