me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
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Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome