A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules