I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
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58.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb