most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
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waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her