[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
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I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
The government even made aliens boring
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
so i’m at the stock market right
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.