Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
You Might Also Like
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back