yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
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My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts