They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”