My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
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My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Traveler’s camo
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.