i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
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My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
You wish you had this many chins.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house