(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
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Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
The symmetry is uncanny.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.