Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
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Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.