Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
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One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup