It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
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Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
grotesque if literal: baby food
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Succinctly put.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.