I feel attacked.
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Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!