Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
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My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.