My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
You Might Also Like
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
This is not me but this is me
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed