date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
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I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
“our sushi is very fresh”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose