Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
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Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.