if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
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ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
good morning
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.