Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
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My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.