Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
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me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My loaf of bread looks terrified
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat