[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Love is in the air fryer.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.