Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
You Might Also Like
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.