Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
You Might Also Like
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”