Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
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Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon