my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
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My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.