My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
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Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
japanese corn
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
this is the news I live for
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.