Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
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Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.