A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
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Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
That de-escalated quickly
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat