Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
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Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?